How do you make your dishwasher into a snowblower?

give her a shovel

At the 2003 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

There was a packed flight going from the US to London, when the plane developed engine trouble. The pilots traced it to bad gas and knew that the engines would eventually overheat and blow up. Of course, shutting down was not really an option either. While the people on the ground studied the problem, the pilots decided to inform the passengers of their dire situation. They were pretty upset, each person taking the news in their own way. Finally it was decided that they would push the engines until they reached a certain temp, then shut them down to glide. Once they got down towards the water, they would try to restart the engines and ditch the plane. There was little hope.

Finally a homely overweight woman in the 22nd row stood up and walked to the front of the plane. She loudly said "I honored my mother and father by keeping their trust and remaining a virgin. Now that we are probably going to die, I realized I don't want to die a virgin. Is there some man here willing to have sex with me right now?!". Silence, there were no takers. She glared over the passengers and shouted "Is there no man out there that can make me feel like a real woman?!"

Finally I good looking guy in the middle stood up and started to take off his shirt. He looked at her and said "Do you really want to feel like a woman?"

"Yes" she breathed

Throwing her his shirt he said "Here, iron this"

women are great. You know that on average, their feet are two inches smaller than a mans. This way they can stand closer to the sink when they're doing dishes.

My wife said she wanted a watch. I said, "what for, there's a clock on the stove."

You know why women wear white for the wedding don't you?

So they match the refridgerator and stove!

True story....I have two almost identical brooms, one in the garage, on in the kitchen/sunroom. (I never use that one). My wife says "This is not my broom", (picking up the broom in the kitchen). I tell her it must be hers because I haven't touched it. She swears it doesn't feel like her broom. I go to the garage and bring the other in. They are the identical in every respect. She tries both, and still can't decide which one is the corrrect one, so I say " Why don't you just fly around on each of them till you find the right one"? Almost banged my head on the sink trying to duck.

She was probably just pissed because somebody dropped a house on her sister...